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Thread: Humor thread

  1. #1
    E2014T is offline Banned
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    Humor thread

    The Engineer

    An engineer dies and reports to Hell.

    Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

    One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell"?

    Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next".

    God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer?
    That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him up here".

    Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him".

    God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue".

    Satan laughs, "Yeah, right, and just where are you going to get a lawyer"?

  2. #2
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    Re: Humor thread

    Grandma writes:

    The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a "Honk if you really love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed.

    I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could.

    Why, it was like a football game with him shouting, "Go, Jesus Christ, Go"! Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I had recently asked my two grandsons what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

    A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and I stepped on the gas.

    It's a good thing I did, because I was the only car to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian Good Luck sign as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

    Love ya all,

    Grandma

  3. #3
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    Re: Humor thread

    TIMES CHANGE: IF JESUS WERE BORN TODAY

    INFANT DISCOVERED IN BARN. CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES LAUNCH PROBE.

    Nazareth Carpenter Being Held On Charges Involving Underage Mother.
    Bethlehem, Judea - Authorities were today alerted by a concerned citizen who noticed a family living in a barn. Upon arrival, Family Protective Service personnel, accompanied by police, took into protective care an infant child named Jesus, who had been wrapped in strips of cloth and placed in a feeding trough by his 14-year old mother, Mary of Nazareth.

    During the confrontation, a man identified as Joseph, also of Nazareth, attempted to stop the social workers. Joseph, aided by several local shepherds and some unidentified foreigners, tried to forestall efforts to take the child, but were restrained and tasored by the police.

    Also being held for questioning are three foreigners who allege to be wise men from an eastern country.

    The INS and Homeland Security officials are seeking information about these who may be in the country illegally. A source with the INS states that they had no passports, but were in possession of gold and other possibly illegal substances. They resisted arrest saying that they had been warned by God to avoid officials in Jerusalem and to return quickly to their own country. The chemical substances in their possession will be tested.

    The owner of the barn is also being held for questioning. The manager of Bethlehem Inn faces possible revocation of his license for violating health and safety regulations by allowing people to stay in the stable. Civil authorities are also investigating the zoning violations involved in maintaining livestock in a commercially-zoned district.

    The location of the minor child will not be released, and the prospect for a quick resolution to this case is doubtful. Asked about when Jesus would be returned to his mother, a Child Protective Service spokesperson said, "The father is middle-aged and the mother is definitely underage. We are checking with officials in Nazareth to determine what their legal relationship is."

    Joseph has admitted taking Mary from her home in Nazareth because of a purported census requirement. However, because she was obviously pregnant when they left, investigators are looking into other reasons for their departure.

    Joseph is being held without bond on charges of molestation, kidnapping, child endangerment, and statutory rape.

    Mary was taken to the Bethlehem General Hospital where she is being examined by doctors. Charges may also be filed against her for endangerment. She will also undergo psychiatric evaluation because of her claim that she is a virgin and that the child is from God.

    The director of the psychiatric wing said, "I don't profess to have the right to tell people what to believe, but when their beliefs adversely affect the safety and well-being of others - in this case her child - we must consider her a danger to others. The unidentified drugs at the scene didn't help her case, but I'm confident that with the proper therapy regimen we can get her back on her feet."

    A spokesperson for the governor's office said, "Who knows what was going through their heads? But regardless, their treatment of the child was inexcusable, and the involvement of these others frightening. There is much we don't know about this case, but for the sake of the child and the public, you can be assured that we will pursue this matter to the end."

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    Re: Humor thread

    Our esteemed admin, littleroundman, had this hilarious joke posted in another thread:

    The Husband Shop

    A shop that sells new husbands has opened in your town, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

    You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!

    There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

    So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

    Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

    She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

    Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love children.

    'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more,' so she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

    Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love children, and are extremely good looking.

    'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

    She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love children, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

    'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

    Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love children, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

    She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

    Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

    PLEASE NOTE:

    To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

    The first floor has wives that love sex.

    The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.

    The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

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    Re: Humor thread

    FBI agents conducted a "search and seizure" at the Southwood Psychiatric Hospital in San Diego, which was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of poring over many rooms of financial records, some sixty FBI agents worked up quite an appetite. The case agent in charge of the investigation called a local pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

    The following telephone conversation took place:


    Agent: Hello. I would like to order nineteen large pizzas and sixty-seven cans of soda.

    Pizza man: And where would you like them delivered?

    Agent: To the Southwood Psychiatric Hospital.

    Pizza man: To the psychiatric hospital?

    Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

    Pizza man: You're an FBI agent?

    Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

    Pizza man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

    Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

    Pizza man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

    Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

    Pizza man: And you're over at Southwood?

    Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

    Pizza man: And everyone at Southwood is an FBI agent?

    Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

    Pizza man: How are you going to pay for this?

    Agent: I have my check book right here.

    Pizza man: And you are all FBI agents?

    Agent: That's right, everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

    Pizza man: I don't think so.

    Click.

  6. #6
    Uncle Festa is offline Banned
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    Re: Humor thread

    For FBI insert Eagle. Neither version is funny

    Quote Originally Posted by E2014T View Post
    FBI agents conducted a "search and seizure" at the Southwood Psychiatric Hospital in San Diego, which was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of poring over many rooms of financial records, some sixty FBI agents worked up quite an appetite. The case agent in charge of the investigation called a local pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

    The following telephone conversation took place:


    Agent: Hello. I would like to order nineteen large pizzas and sixty-seven cans of soda.

    Pizza man: And where would you like them delivered?

    Agent: To the Southwood Psychiatric Hospital.

    Pizza man: To the psychiatric hospital?

    Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

    Pizza man: You're an FBI agent?

    Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

    Pizza man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

    Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

    Pizza man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

    Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

    Pizza man: And you're over at Southwood?

    Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

    Pizza man: And everyone at Southwood is an FBI agent?

    Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

    Pizza man: How are you going to pay for this?

    Agent: I have my check book right here.

    Pizza man: And you are all FBI agents?

    Agent: That's right, everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

    Pizza man: I don't think so.

    Click.

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    Re: Humor thread

    An old mexican man lived alone in East Los Angeles. He wanted to spade his garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Jose, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

    Dear Jose:

    I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my garden this year. I'm just too old to be digging up a garden. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the garden for me.

    Tu Padre
    A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

    Dear Papa:

    Por Dios, Papa, don't dig up the garden. That's where I buried all my drugs and money.

    Tu hijo,
    Jose
    At 6 a.m. the next morning, the L.A. Sheriffs showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any drugs or money. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.

    Dear Papa:

    Go ahead and plant your garden now, papa. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.

    Love,
    Jose

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    Re: Humor thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Uncle Festa View Post
    Neither version is funny
    So post jokes you think are funny. That's what the thread is for.

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    Re: Humor thread

    Quote Originally Posted by E2014T View Post
    So post jokes you think are funny. That's what the thread is for.

    Eagle of Eagle Research Associates.

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    Re: Humor thread

    This is a general humor thread. Your personal attacks on other forum members are out of place here. Please do not derail this thread with inappropriate posts.

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    Re: Humor thread

    Quote Originally Posted by E2014T View Post
    This is a general humor thread. Your personal attacks on other forum members are out of place here. Please do not derail this thread with inappropriate posts.

    I'm sorry but I find Eagle of Eagle Research Associates extremely funny.

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    Re: Humor thread

    Did you hear about the man who died from an overdose of viagra??.....At the funeral they couldn't close the casket.....)))
    ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

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    Re: Humor thread

    Did they call his doctor since he had an erection for more than 4 hours?
    EagleOne
    Founder/President Eagle Research Associates
    http://eagleresearchassociates.org
    http://swindles.org
    Author: "Robbing You With A Keyboard Instead Of A Gun - Cyber Crime How They Do It" available in soft cover and eBook at Amazon.com
    Lifetime Member of the National Association of Distinguished Professionals

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    Re: Humor thread

    Quote Originally Posted by EagleOne View Post
    Did they call his doctor since he had an erection for more than 4 hours?
    They tried, but the guys' wife fought them tooth and nail
    The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing

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    Re: Humor thread

    NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

    To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. (Except Utah, which she does not fancy.) Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".

    Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

    2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

    3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

    4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

    5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

    6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

    7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

    9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

    10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

    11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

    12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

    13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

    14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

    15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

    16. Last but not the least, and for heaven's sake.....it's Nuclear as in "clear" NOT Nucular. Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.

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    Re: Humor thread

    A week at the gym.....one man's story
    For anyone thinking of getting back into shape, this is very funny...

    ONE MAN'S STORY...

    This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
    into a regular workout routine.

    Dear Diary:

    For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to

    go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

    My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

    MONDAY:

    Started my day at 6:00am.

    Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

    She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my
    workout today.

    Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, Although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.

    This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!


    TUESDAY:

    I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.

    I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

    WEDNESDAY:
    The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members.

    Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whines that is VERY annoying.

    My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other sh** too.

    THURSDAY:

    Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.

    Belinda took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.


    FRIDAY:

    I hate that bit** Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

    The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

    SATURDAY:

    Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

    SUNDAY:
    I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the other bit**), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like a root canal or a vasectomy.

  17. #17
    okosh's Avatar
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    Re: Humor thread

    Quote Originally Posted by littleroundman View Post
    They tried, but the guys' wife fought them tooth and nail
    They were having an FFM threesome.....The wife also took too much viagra.....Was 3 days b4 she could put her tongue back in her mouth..
    ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

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    Re: Humor thread

    The European Commission

    The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other contender. Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-year phasing in of "Euro-English".

    In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump for joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k", Which should klear up some konfusion and allow one key less on keyboards.

    There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f", making words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

    In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e" is disgrasful.

    By the fourth yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

    During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and everivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI COM TRU!

  19. #19
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    Re: Humor thread

    Diary of My Next Door Neighbor's First Winter in Indiana

    December 8, 6:00pm:

    It started to snow. The first snow of the season, and the wife and I took our hot drinks and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I LOVE SNOW!!

    December 9:

    We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. Shoveled snow for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveways and sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came by and covered up the sidewalks and covered in the driveway, so I got to shovel snow again. What a perfect life.

    December 12:

    The sun has melted all of our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor Lynn tells me not to worry, we’ll definitely have snow and a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful. Lynn says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that is possible. Lynn is such a nice man, I’m glad he’s our neighbor.

    December 14:

    Snow* lovely snow*! 8” last night. The temperature dropped to - 20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I just wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so much.

    December 15:

    20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that is silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.

    December 16:

    Ice storm this morning. Fell on my rump on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurts terribly. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

    December 17:

    Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at my wife and to try not to imitate her. Guess I should have bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe that I am freezing to death in my own living room.

    December 20:

    Electricity’s back on, but had another 14” of that blasted snow last night! More shoveling. Took all day. That jerk driving that snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they are lying. Called the only hardware store here to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out. They said they might have another shipment in March. I think they are lying. Lynn says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

    December 22:

    Lynn was right about a white Christmas because 10 more inches of the white stuff fell today. It’s so cold it probably won’t melt until August! Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, then I had to go to the bathroom. By the time I got undressed, went to the bathroom and got dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Lynn who has a snow blade on the front of his truck for the rest of the winter, but he said he was too busy. I think the idiot is lying.

    December 23:

    Only 2” of snow today, and it warmed up to 0! The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. Is she nuts?!! Why didn’t she tell me to do this 2 months ago? She says she did, but I think she’s lying.

    December 24:

    6” more fell. Snow packed so hard by the snowplow that I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch that jerk who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his heels. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling, then he comes down the street at 100 mph just to throw snow all over where I have shoveled. Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the snowplow. Lynn says I need to shovel all that snow on my roof, or it could cave in. Yeah right!

    December 25:

    Merry Christmas! 12 more inches of the blasted, yucky, messy, white slop fell tonight. snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes by blood boil. I hate the snow!! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation. I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s crazy. If I have to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to choke her.

    December 26:

    Still snowed in. Why in the world did I ever move here? It was all my wife’s idea to move here. She’s really getting on my nerves.

    December 27:

    Temperature dropped to - 30 and the pipes froze.

    December 28:

    Warmed up to -10. Still snowed in and the pipes are still frozen. The wife is driving me crazy!

    December 29:

    10 more inches of snow! Lynn says I have to shovel the roof now or it will cave in. That’s the silliest thing I have ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

    December 30:

    The roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for $1 Million, the wife went home to be with her mother, and 9” of snow predicted.

    December 31:

    Set fire to the rest of the house. No more shoveling!!

    January 2:

    I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. But why am I tied to the bed?
    EagleOne
    Founder/President Eagle Research Associates
    http://eagleresearchassociates.org
    http://swindles.org
    Author: "Robbing You With A Keyboard Instead Of A Gun - Cyber Crime How They Do It" available in soft cover and eBook at Amazon.com
    Lifetime Member of the National Association of Distinguished Professionals

  20. #20
    E2014T is offline Banned
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    Re: Humor thread

    Things you shouldn't say to a police officer:

    1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
    2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
    3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
    4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
    5. Are You Andy or Barney?
    6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
    7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
    8. I pay your salary!
    9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning too!
    10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does
    11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are!
    12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

  21. #21
    E2014T is offline Banned
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    Re: Humor thread

    Con quotes:

    In the old days, a con man would be good looking, suave, well dressed, well spoken and presented themselves real well. Those days are gone because it's not necessary. The people committing these crimes are doing them from hundreds of miles away.
    - Frank Abagnale

    If 'pro' is the opposite of 'con' what is the opposite of 'progress'?
    -Paul Harvey

    We live in a quick-fix society where we need instant gratification for everything. Too fat? Get lipo-sucked. Stringy hair? Glue on extensions. Wrinkles and lines? Head to the beauty shop for a pot of the latest miracle skin stuff. It's all a beautiful £1 billion con foisted upon insecure women by canny cosmetic conglomerates.
    -Joan Collins

    The whole secret to our success is being able to con ourselves into believing that we're going to change the world because statistically we are unlikely to do it.
    -Tom Peters

    I'm a con artist in that I'm an actor. I make people believe something is real when they know perfectly well it isn't.
    -John Lithgow

  22. #22
    E2014T is offline Banned
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    Re: Humor thread

    How to Tell Where a Cop works:

    Narcotics
    -Immediately grow facial hair, tell everybody you were ordered to.
    -Start wearing size medium "Tap Out" t-shirts
    -Start watching every episode of Monster Garage.
    -Buy a biker wallet with a big chain.
    -Practice the "Don't acknowledge me, even while in the police station, look."
    -Thinks sh#t doesn't stink and even the Chief worships them
    -Make every case involve overtime $$$.
    -Rates the hotness level of "cranker chicks" and has tried to date at least one at one time
    -Learn to play golf drunk.
    SWAT
    -Wear hut-hut team T-shirts (size medium- to accent pecs and biceps), Oakley sunglasses and boots every day.
    -Try to fit the word "breach" and "tactical" in to every conversation. (Ex. "I just breached my pants. That was so funny!")
    -Have a mirror handy to check hair, if you have hair.
    -Never say hello to anyone who is not a SWAT operator, just practice the SWAT head nod.
    -Subscribe to Soldier of Fortune, Guns and Ammo and Muscle and Fitness magazines.
    -Pleasures themselves over gun collection
    -Do EVERYTHING together, including showering and "wrestling"
    -Learn to play golf wearing a gun, a tactical knife and a back-up gun (just in case)
    Community Service Units
    -Hate SWAT.
    -Work to make everybody love you.
    -Paint your office in pastel colors.
    -Think Feng Shui.
    -Subscribe to Psychology Today.
    -Learn to play miniature golf.
    Traffic units
    -Write tickets to EVERYBODY.
    -Learn to make other cops hate them
    -Spend every weekend cleaning your bike and polishing boots.
    -Annoy the shit out of everyone on the radio by having complete disregard for anyone else's radio traffic.
    -Talk about nothing but how many tickets you wrote in one day.
    -Constantly ride by a building with big windows to chec kout your reflection.
    -Refer to the "other" law enforcement officers as "Car cops."
    -"LBR" (Look Bitchin' Riding) is your mantra. May even have this as a tattoo
    -Golf is lame, motor rodeos are cool.
    K-9 Units
    -Become sadistic.
    -Show pictures of your latest and best dog bite.
    -Facebook profile pic is of dog
    -Brag about your largest drug find.
    -Smell like a dog.
    -Starts to look like your dog
    -Workout 3 times a day.
    -Show off your bruises and bites, even when it is on your ass.
    Administrative/Management Units
    -Three-hour lunches every day, tell everybody it's a "meeting."
    -Upgrade department cell phone every month.
    -Tell everybody you are published in a national law enforcement magazine.
    -Has sold soul and lost balls years ago
    -Has awesome pen set
    -Updates revenge list on a weekly basis.
    -Expert at PowerPoint, bar charts and graphs
    -Sh#t a brick when Ashley Madison accounts went public
    -Golf Rules! Play LOTS of golf.
    Patrol Units
    -Has nerves of steel.
    -In a terminal state of nausea from department politics.
    -Inability to keep mouth shut.
    -Has defining tastes in alcohol.
    -The higher the seniority the further back you sit in briefing
    -Is actually respected by peers.
    -Beats the crap out of his caddy on any bogeyed shot.
    FTO
    -Automatically grasps the door handle until knuckles turn white when car is put in gear.
    -Considers a multiple-victim homicide in progress a "good training opportunity" and asks to take primary.
    -Life long case of irritable bowel syndrome (IBS)
    -Considers less than three hours of OT to be a quiet day.
    -Buys migraine medicine by the case
    -No time for golf
    Detectives
    -Come in at 0800.
    -"Breakfast" from 0815 to 1030.
    -Work from 1030 to Noon.
    -Noon to 1400 Work out and Lunch.
    -1400-1700 Sit in CID and talk about how many girlfriends you have and how the wife doesn't know. Plan your next RV, fishing, wine tasting or motorcycle trip.
    Patrol Sergeant
    -Remembers very well "how we usta do do it."
    -Always willing to tell his officers the above.
    -Tries to fit the word "liability" in to every sentence.
    -Talks about "what he's hearing from upstairs."
    -Has list of all golf courses to visit upon retirement
    Trainee
    -Unable to grow facial hair.
    -Watches every episode of Cops.
    -Gets excited when the SWAT guys walk by.
    -Arrives for work three hours early.
    -Thinks the sergeant is thrilled to see him.
    -Won't drink on the golf course because it violates the open container ordinance.
    New Corrections Officers
    - Show up for work 15 minutes early.
    - Buy only the best ink pens (Pilot G-2, not the kind admin types use!).
    - Wear T-Shirts of your "dream department" under your uniform.
    - Wear a full duty belt of gear even though you have to remove everything when you arrive at the facility.
    - Become friends with every local police officer.
    Defensive Tactics Instructors
    -Starts stretching before making arrest.
    -Can spend hours debating the advantages of RCB vs. straight stick.
    -Wears yoga pants off-duty
    -Chuck Norris is GOD
    -Has spent more than $50 on a wood baton.
    -Giggles when a suspect starts to resist.
    -Confuses golf swing with baton swing
    Firearms Instructor
    - Responds to every question/statement with the word, 'huh?'
    - Has a % lead/blood level higher than the current Chief's approval rating.
    - Operates under the assumption that the more beer you drink, the more of that lead leaves your system.
    - Thinks a new tactical handgun is a great Christmas gift for the wife/girlfriend.
    - Has an image of a custom 1911-A1 for a screen-saver.
    - Wears the latest high-tech electronic hearing protectors during normal conversation.
    -Would rather shoot than golf
    Bicycle Unit
    -Shaves legs...just because they need an excuse to shave legs
    -Dignity is non-existent
    -Wears size medium uniform shirt with level 4 vest and spandex shorts (looks like a stuffed sausage)
    -Thinks teens are laughing because they are excited to see him
    -Facebook profile pic and desktop pic is cool bike photo
    -Owns DVD collection of Pacific Blue TV series
    -Actually got butt hurt during bike patrol scene in 21 Jump Street movie
    -Think they look cool in bike uniform, including helmet
    -Doesn't golf- can't fit clubs on bike

  23. #23
    E2014T is offline Banned
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    Re: Humor thread

    "A wise son brings joy to his father, but a foolish son grief to his mother."
    Proverbs 10:1

    Arrest Me Please

    Approximately 11 p. m. one night I received a call of a domestic disturbance on old Sheldon Church road. I responded with another Deputy as back-up. Upon our arrival, we found a man in his twenties and his wife having an argument. He was highly intoxicated. They lived with his grandmother, who was very upset that we had to come to her house.

    The husband was crying and kept begging us to take him to jail. His grandmother kept telling him that he was embarrassing her by having to have the Police there because she was a pillar of the community. He just kept asking to be arrested.

    I told him that he had not done anything for me to arrest him for. He asked me what he would have to do to get arrested. I told him anything that was wrong. He said, "Okay, wait just a minute." He went to a closet and started digging around in it. I looked at my back-up and we both just smiled. We figured he was going to show us some drugs or something so that we would arrest him. He then turned toward us and said, "How about this?" Before either of us could react, we found ourselves looking down the barrel of a .22 caliber rifle.

    Again before either of us could do anything the grandmother jumped between us, grabbed the rifle by the barrel, pulled it out of his hands and started beating him over the head with it. We both just stood there happy to be alive, until we realized that she now had him down on the sofa and was still using the rifle like a club to beat him about the head and shoulders. As much as we thought he deserved it, we decided to pull her off before she really hurt him.

    She kept begging us not to take him to jail. She said she would take care of the matter. There was no doubt in my mind about that so we agreed, besides she still had hold of the rifle, and I didn't really want her to hit me with it. There was one other thing, I didn't want to have to write the arrest report saying that he pointed a gun at me then a little old lady disarmed and beat him before I got him into custody.

  24. #24
    E2014T is offline Banned
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    Re: Humor thread

    Do I look like I'm bluffing?

    The best bluff I remember was by the Officer who trained me. On Hilton Head there is a big public parking lot at the entrance to the public beach. We had received many complaints of teenagers playing loud music and drinking at night in the parking lot. This evening we received a report of a large crowd disturbing the peace.

    Upon our arrival we found about fifty people in the parking lot. We got out of the patrol car and my partner announced that everyone would have to leave because we had received complaints about the noise. The group had been drinking and they crowded around our car. They asked what we were going to do if they didn't leave. My partner calmly told them that we would put them in jail.

    They all started laughing and one wise guy said, "You don't really think you two can take us all to jail do you?"

    My partner reached into our patrol car and pulled out the riot 12 gage shotgun. He chambered a round and laid it on the hood of the car. He calmly stated, "Of course not. I don't plan to take all of you to jail just those who are still standing when we run out of ammunition!"

    Everyone looked at my partner, then at me, then at everyone else and then they started leaving one by one, until we were alone.

    Common sense says that they had to know we could not just start shooting into a crowd, so why did it work? Because no one was sure, or at least one hundred percent sure. Besides that, we gave them all something to tell their friends about.

    Another reason this worked was that they thought we would back down because our plight seemed hopeless. When we didn't it threw them off guard so that they did not know what to expect next.

  25. #25
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    Re: Humor thread

    "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."
    Proverbs 15:1

    Shut Up!!

    I responded as back up for another Deputy to a domestic dispute call. The couple were in their seventies. The other Deputy attempted to get them both quieted down so that he could find out what the trouble was and then hopefully settle it.

    The husband did quiet down but the old woman just kept on babbling. Every time the Deputy would try to say something she would start trying to out talk him.

    It's not easy for an Officer to tell a 70-year old woman to be quiet, I guess because it's kind of like yelling at your Grandmother. However, frustration can finally win out, and that is what happened to this Officer. He looked at her and said, "Look Lady you're going to have to be quiet." Well that didn't slow her down at all.

    The more frustrated you get the less you think of her as your Grandmother. Soon the Deputy was pointing his finger at her and shouting, "Look you've got to shut up and be quiet!" The Officer stood about five feet eleven and the woman was about five feet one or two. They were standing about three feet apart facing each other. As he shook his finger at her, his hand was about four inches from her face.

    Something in his last statement to her did the trick, she stopped talking, then before he knew what had happened she grabbed his hand in both of hers. She cupped his hand and started kissing it and said, "Yes sir Sheriff!"

    I had to step in and handle the rest of the call because he was stunned. He just kept saying, "I can't believe she just did that."

    In the end when you think about it she did a better job of shutting him up then he did shutting her up.

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