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Thread: Humor thread

  1. #26
    okosh's Avatar
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    Re: Humor thread

    A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.
    The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
    ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

  2. #27
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    Re: Humor thread

    ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

  3. #28
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    Re: Humor thread

    A man goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted. She pulled out a large syringe to give an anesthesia shot. "No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the man exclaimed.

    So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and the man said, "I can't do the gas thing. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!

    The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill. "No," he says, "I'm fine with pills."

    So the dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them. "What are those?" he asked. "Viagra," she replied.

    "I'll be," said the patient, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer." "It doesn't," said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."
    EagleOne
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  4. #29
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    Re: Humor thread

    How an Aussie prepares his car for the long hot summer.....SMFH....LMAO....


    .
    ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

  5. #30
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    Re: Humor thread

    ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

  6. #31
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    Re: Humor thread

    ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

  7. #32
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    Re: Humor thread

    ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

  8. #33
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    Re: Humor thread

    Quote Originally Posted by okosh View Post
    Bad Santa quotes:

    Gin: Look here, get himy outta here and I'll go smooth things over with Chipeska, Tell him it was food poisoning or something.
    Marcus: What do you mean, get him outta here?
    Gin: Take him to the car.
    Marcus: In case you didn't notice I'm a motherfucking dwarf, so unless you got a forklift handy, maybe you should lend a hand hmm?
    Gin: That figures. You want all kind of set-asides. Special treatment 'cause you're handicapped. You're all the same.
    Marcus: Special treatment? I'm 3-foot-*******-tall you asshole! It's a matter of physics. Draw me a sketch of how I get him to the car, huh?
    Gin: Bitch, Bitch, Bitch!
    Marcus: Sketch it up, you ******* moron. ******* Leonardo da Vinci.
    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0307987/quotes

  9. #34
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    Re: Humor thread

    ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

  10. #35
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    Re: Humor thread

    ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

  11. #36
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    Re: Humor thread

    security.jpgHmmm, could be a plan.
    It seems like in this "industry" common sense is not all that common!

  12. #37
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    Re: Humor thread

    assault-fork.jpg
    Positively deadly.
    It seems like in this "industry" common sense is not all that common!

  13. #38
    Beacon is offline Antiauthoritarian skeptic
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    Re: Humor thread

    Guy sitting in a bar having a drink and another guy comes out of the toilet.
    1st guy says: You look familiar.
    2nd guy: Im not from around here.
    1st. Really where you from?
    2nd. Im Irish.
    1st What a co incidence Im Irish too! Where abouts
    2nd Im from Dublin
    1st I dont believe it Im from dublin too where abouts?
    2nd Pearse St
    1st Im from Pearse st too here have a drink. did you go to the christian brothers school
    2nd Yeah I want to that left in 1980
    1st I left in 1980 too. Were you in the primary school there?
    2nd I was in Mrs whites class.
    1st So was I!
    Owner comes into the bar and asks the barman what sort of night it is. Barman says usual Friday night ...
    and the O Brien twins are drunk again.

  14. #39
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    Re: Humor thread

    Quote Originally Posted by laidback View Post
    assault-fork.jpg
    Positively deadly.
    Don't forget the spoons! They make people fat too!
    EagleOne
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  15. #40
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    Re: Humor thread

    A motorcycle cop is sitting at an intersection when a driver in a fancy sports car runs a red light. So the cop pulls him over. The cop says to the driver, "license and registration." The driver hands them over and the cop walks back to his cycle to run his information. The guy driving the sports car gets out and starts yelling, cussing, calling the cop all kinds of names. The cop hands him back his license and registration and hands him the ticket to sign. When the driver signs the ticket he notices that the cop has put A.H. at the bottom of the ticket. The driver asks him what the A.H. stands for. The cop replies, "It is for Ass Hole so when you are in court I'll know it was you."

    When they are in court, the attorney for the driver asks the cop if the ticket he is being shown is an exact duplication of the ticket the officer gave to his client. The cop says the numbers match his copy and yes it is an exact duplicate of his ticket." The attorney then asks the cop, "Do you see the A.H. printed at the bottom of the ticket?" The cop answers "Yes, as I put it there." The attorney then asks, "what does the A.H. stand for?" The cop replies, "Angry and Hostile."

    The attorney says, "Don't you mean Ass Hole?" The cop replied, "You know your client better than I do."
    EagleOne
    Founder/President Eagle Research Associates
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  16. #41
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    Re: Humor thread

    Quote Originally Posted by EagleOne View Post
    The cop says to the driver, "license and registration."
    I don't get the handing over proof of registration bit in America.....Here the cop runs your plates and knows right away if the car is registered...Much simpler way...They even have some new computer now in some cop cars that check the registration of every car as the traffic drives past....You drive past and next thing you know your being pulled over....And the ticket(fine) here is more than the yearly cost of the registration...
    BTW...Registration for my SUV is almost $600....But that includes the compulsory insurance to cover if I hit a person(pedestrian).......The actual car you insure separately...As you do the car you might hit...
    ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

  17. #42
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    Re: Humor thread

    Some people are just morons...



    ladder.jpg

    bike.jpg

    car.jpg

    painting.jpg
    ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

  18. #43
    littleroundman is offline Administrator
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    Re: Humor thread

    Thanks for those, Okosh.

    My testicles now permanently reside in my throat
    The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing

  19. #44
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    Re: Humor thread

    Quote Originally Posted by okosh View Post
    I don't get the handing over proof of registration bit in America.....Here the cop runs your plates and knows right away if the car is registered...Much simpler way...They even have some new computer now in some cop cars that check the registration of every car as the traffic drives past....You drive past and next thing you know your being pulled over....And the ticket(fine) here is more than the yearly cost of the registration...
    BTW...Registration for my SUV is almost $600....But that includes the compulsory insurance to cover if I hit a person(pedestrian).......The actual car you insure separately...As you do the car you might hit...
    There is some interesting discussion here. https://www.quora.com/Why-does-law-e...lling-you-over

    The part about the snips made me chuckle. I got the bright idea to try and remove some of my old registration stickers to make room, that's the stuff they need to be putting in the superglue tubes


    License plates give visual evidence of proper registration, but can be moved from vehicle to vehicle. The paper registration is required to be in the possession of the vehicle operator and to be displayed to a law enforcement officer on request in all 50 states. When the officer asks for the paper registration, he's verifying that the registration matches the vehicle the plates are on and that the vehicle is properly registered. Believe it or not, some nefarious people have been known to steal registration stickers and put them on their own license plates. When I lived in Michigan in the early '90s, it was so common as to constitute an epidemic. The thieves would take tin snips to a license plate in the middle of the night and worry about unsticking the adhesive at their leisure.



    Other than a solid double check it probably a bit outdated. We do have a problem with Uninsured Motorists | III in this country. So much so that companies offer "uninsured motorists" coverage for drivers to add to their own polices. Only in America as you Aussies would say.
    "It's virtually impossible to violate rules ... but it's impossible for a violation to go undetected, certainly not for a considerable period of time." Bernie Madoff
    https://www.facebook.com/pages/Scam-...98399986981403

  20. #45
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    Re: Humor thread

    Lincoln.jpgUmmm, Yeah!
    It seems like in this "industry" common sense is not all that common!

  21. #46
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    Re: Humor thread

    ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

  22. #47
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    Re: Humor thread

    For Sale:

    Latest 2016 release selfie stick, capacity to hold yours and 2 friends phones simultaneously, best offer.









    .
    selfie stick.jpg
    ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

  23. #48
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    Re: Humor thread

    Meanwhile over in Western Australia......

    BTW...Petrol is what you call gas in USA....




    .

    Australian thieves left with nasty taste after accidentally siphoning sewage tank instead of petrol

    BY LAURIE HANNA NEW YORK DAILY NEWS Thursday, January 21, 2016,


    The wannabe thieves got a nasty shock when they siphoned the sewage tank of the bus by accident.
    It was an attempted theft that left a nasty taste in the mouth.


    Criminals in Australia tried to siphon petrol from the gas tank of a bus — but accidentally tapped into the sewage tank instead.

    The bus was found in the Western Australia town of Laverton with a cap on the ground beside it on the ground. Cops say that the unidentified gang got a mouthful of human waste when they tried to siphon fuel from the tank.

    “We can infer they beat a very hasty retreat, with a somewhat bitter taste in their mouth,” Laverton Police Sen. Sgt. Heath Soutar told Yahoo News.

    Soutar also confirmed that police officers “have absolutely zero interest” in recovering the stolen goods.
    Australian thieves siphon sewage tank instead of petrol - NY Daily News
    ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

  24. #49
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    Re: Humor thread

    Meanwhile on the Gold Coast in Queensland.....

    BTW.......
    Triple zero is same as 911 in USA.....
    Thongs are like flip flops in USA...Or rubber sandals.....
    A "Servo" is short for "Service Station"...A gas station in USA....
    And "Sunrise" is our version of the NBC Today show.....

    So what do you do if you walking past a gas station and you notice that the gas station is being robbed??....

    Do you...

    A)Call triple zero??...
    B)Do nothing and ignore the robbery??....
    C)Steal the keys from the ignition of the robbers get away car and then taunt the robber with the keys??......

    Watch the video to find out.....

    https://au.tv.yahoo.com/sunrise/vide...robbery/#page1
    ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

  25. #50
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    Re: Humor thread

    Meanwhile down here in Tasmania where I live......That's the smaller and much better island in Australia

    Yesterday this SUV pulls into town and parks across the street......Stuck out cos was all painted up with writing on the back....I wanted a pic of it so got out my phone, set to camera and walked over to it....

    By the time I crossed cos of the traffic 3 woman all in their late 20's to early 30's had got out and were standing by the car.....
    I politely asked if I could please take a pic of the back of the car....

    The first woman told me to "F off arsehole" and then the other 2 woman joined in and started hurling abuse at me....
    I quickly snapped the pic...Said nothing and turned to cross back to the other side of the road....

    I can't figure out what I did wrong to deserve such abuse.....I mean I really am a nice guy....

    Even though they from Queensland which is over on the mainland I was still really polite and nice to them....

    Did I mention that I'm a nice guy??.....



    .
    ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

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