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Thread: Humor thread

  1. #51
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    Re: Humor thread

    About 10 mins later the 3 woman had crossed to my side of the street....I could see out the window that they were out front of my store and one of the woman was flicking through the rack of tops looking for her size....
    So I want out and said "would you like some help??".....
    Her face turned green and they couldn't leave fast enough.....LOL....
    ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

  2. #52
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    Re: Humor thread

    Quote Originally Posted by okosh View Post
    The first woman told me to "F off arsehole"
    Sure it wasn't Festa in drag?

  3. #53
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    Re: Humor thread

    Quote Originally Posted by E2014T View Post
    Sure it wasn't Festa in drag?
    Well it did have a Scottish accent
    ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

  4. #54
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    Re: Humor thread

    Quote Originally Posted by okosh View Post
    Well it did have a Scottish accent
    Oy vey. He really needs to get over you and hook up with Nancetta.

  5. #55
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    Re: Humor thread

    "Alcohol is not in my vodkabulary. However, I looked it up on whiskeypedia and learned if you drink too much of it, it's likely tequilya."

  6. #56
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    Re: Humor thread

    ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

  7. #57
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    Re: Humor thread

    I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox informing me that I can have sex at 73....
    I'm so happy because I live at number 67 so it's not too far to walk home afterwards.....
    And it's on the same side of the street so I don't even have to cross the road!!.....
    ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

  8. #58
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    Re: Humor thread

    Two astronauts land on Mars on a Saturday. Their mission: to check whether there is oxygen on the planet.

    "Give me the box of matches," says one. "Either it burns and there is oxygen, or nothing happens."

    He takes the box, and is ready to strike a match when, out of the blue, a Martian appears waving all his arms...

    "No, no, don't!"

    The two guys look at each other, worried. Could there be an unknown explosive gas on Mars?

    Still, he takes another match... and... A crowd of hysterical Martians is coming, all waving their arms: "No, no, don't do that!"

    One of the astronauts says, "This looks serious. What are they afraid of? Nonetheless, we're here for Science, to know if man can breathe on Mars."

    So he strikes a match -- which flames up, burns down, and....NOTHING HAPPENS!!

    So he turns to the Martians and asks, "Why did you want to prevent us from striking a match?"

    The leader of the Martians says, "It's Shabbos(the Sabbath)!"
    EagleOne
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  9. #59
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    Re: Humor thread

    Dear Friend,

    The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus" bumper sticker.

    I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance,
    followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

    Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection,
    just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

    It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!
    I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!

    While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!"What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
    Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.

    I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

    There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach",
    I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

    Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing, he was enjoying this religious experience, too!

    A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

    So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.


    Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

    Love,
    Grandma

  10. #60
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    Re: Humor thread

    Meanwhile up in Queensland......

    This is the message that the Maroochydore High School Queensland, staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.....

    ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

  11. #61
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    Re: Humor thread


    A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

    Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

    The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

    At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

    The first worm in alcohol . . . . . . Dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke . . . Dead. Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . . Dead. Fourth worm in good clean soil . . . Alive �


    So the Minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"

    Little Johnny was sitting in the back, quickly raised his hand and said . . . "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

    Congregation dismissed.
    EagleOne
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  12. #62
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    Re: Humor thread

    A lady gets tired of the blonde jokes, so she dyes her hair brown and takes a drive in the country. She stops by a pasture where a farmer is tending his sheep.
    She watches for a bit then comments to the farmer, " that is a nice flock of sheep. If I guess how many you have, can I have one?" "Sure," says the farmer.
    She looks over the field and says, "You have exactly 322 sheep." "Right," says the farmer,"you may have one!"
    As she is loading the animal, the farmer comes over and asks, "If I guess what color your hair used to be, can I have my dog back?"
    It seems like in this "industry" common sense is not all that common!

  13. #63
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    Re: Humor thread

    Once upon a time Nasreddin Hodja, the famous trickster, was walking toward the border between his country and another. He led a donkey by a rope, and the donkey was laden with straw.

    When the border inspector spied Hodja, he smiled and rubbed his hands gleefully. "Ah, this man is a trickster, and surely he is smuggling something. Watch this," he whispered to his fellow inspectors. "I shall find his smuggled goods."

    The inspector stopped Hodja. "Sir, you must allow me to search your donkey. I am certain you are attempting to smuggle valuable goods across the border, into Persia."

    Hodja nodded solemnly. "Search away, good fellow," he said, "but I'm afraid you'll find nothing but straw."

    The inspector frowned. "Everyone knows you're a trickster," he said. "And that you always have a trick up your sleeve."

    Hodja nodded again, and the inspector began his search. He pulled at the bundles of straw, scattering straw here, there and everywhere. He reached inside each bundle. He called to his assistants, and they examined the straw bundles carefully.

    But search as they would, the inspectors found nothing hidden in Hodja's straw, and so they sent him on his way across the border.

    A week later Hodja returned, once again leading a donkey laden with straw. "Ah ha," the inspector said to him, "you likely think we won't search you this time, but you are wrong."

    The inspector called to every assistant, and 10 men plucked and pulled and yanked at the straw, tossing it everywhere and making quite a mess.

    But the men found nothing at all, and the inspector had no choice but to let Hodja pass the border.

    The next week the same thing happened, and the same happened the next. Every week for many months Hodja led his donkey to the border, and every week for many months the inspector eyed him with the greatest suspicion. As time passed, the inspector's determination to expose Hodja as a smuggler grew fiercer, and every week his searches took longer.

    Still Hodja never lost his temper nor grew upset. He simply stood and waited while the search went on, and every single time the inspectors found no hidden treasure.

    A year passed this way. Word spread far and wide. "The border patrol believe Hodja's a smuggler," people said, but no one could prove this was true.

    However, the rumors persisted. People wondered what he might be smuggling. Did he carry valuable coins across borders? Was he hiding gold, perhaps? Or maybe he transformed the straw itself into gold, as some said magicians could do. Could Hodja be more than a trickster? Perhaps he was a magician, too.

    In this way, Hodja's reputation as a clever smuggler spread far and wide, across every nearby border.

    Still the inspector was determined to undo the plump little man with the unfailingly serene expression. "No one will outwit me," he promised, and so each time Hodja appeared, the inspector searched his donkey and straw.

    This went on for years. The inspector grew old, and soon it was time for him to retire. "I cannot stop working until I have discovered Hodja's secret," he swore, and so he worked on, well past retirement age, deep into old age.

    At long last he was far too tired to go to work, and his eyesight was failing. Finally, he left his post.

    But he never stopped thinking of Hodja. Had he smuggled treasures in the donkey's tail? Perhaps they should have searched the donkey's mouth. He sent word to the border men, and so they continued to search.

    And then one day Hodja simply stopped crossing the border.

    Still the inspector could not stop thinking of him. He decided to visit Hodja in his hometown of Aksehir, for he realized that he would never be satisfied until he had gotten the truth out of him. So he traveled across the border.

    He found Hodja sitting idly in the marketplace, enjoying the warmth of the sun and the sweetness of his coffee. "Sir," said the inspector, "excuse me, but I have to know. I cannot rest. All those years you crossed the border and we searched you -- surely you were smuggling something?"

    Hodja looked at the inspector and smiled his warmest smile. Slowly he nodded.

    "Please, you must tell me. What was it? Gold? Silver? Were you smuggling food or spirits? Cloth, perhaps? Where did you hide it?"

    With each guess Hodja just shook his head.

    "Won't you tell an old man, sir? I'll never rest in peace unless I know."

    And because Hodja was a kind man and did not wish the inspector to spend the rest of his days worrying, he nodded, "Yes. I'll tell you now. I was smuggling donkeys."

  14. #64
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    Re: Humor thread

    [A retired guy sits around the house all day, so one day his wife says, “Ken, you could do something useful, like vacuum the house once a week."

    Ken gives it a moment’s thought and says: “Sure ! Why not.
    Where’s the vacuum ?"

    Half an hour later, Ken comes into the kitchen to get some coffee.

    His wife says, “I didn't hear the vacuum running: I thought you were going to do the vacuuming ?”

    Exasperated, Ken answers,”The stupid thing is broken: it won't start. We need to buy a new one.”

    “Really ?” she says, “show me -- it worked fine the last time.”

    So he shows her.https://videos.files.wordpress.com/X...leaner_dvd.mp4
    It seems like in this "industry" common sense is not all that common!

  15. #65
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    Re: Humor thread

    The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing

  16. #66
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    Re: Humor thread

    It was entertainment night at the senior assisted living center. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

    Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude. The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch" The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

    They were hypnotized. And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact. "SHIT!!!" exclaimed Claude.

    It took them three days to clean the Senior Home and Claude was never invited there again.
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  17. #67
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    Re: Humor thread

    What is the difference between a paratrooper and a golfer? The golfer goes, WHACK!... "CRAP!"
    The paratrooper goes, "CRAP!" WHACK!
    It seems like in this "industry" common sense is not all that common!

  18. #68
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    Re: Humor thread

    A blonde calls her brunette friend and tells her she will pick her up for them to go shopping. When she arrives, she surprises her friend with her new car. After oohing and awing over the car the head off to the mall. The come to a stop sign and the blonde stops and just sits there. After about 4 minutes the brunette says to the blonde: "What are you doing just sitting here?" To which the blonde replied: "Duh, I am waiting for the sign to turn green."
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  19. #69
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    Re: Humor thread

    Malaprops anyone?
    A young woman goes into a hospital waiting room and huddles over in the corner, looking all worried. After a bit, the nurse receptionist goes over and asks,"can we help you, miss?"
    The young woman shyly says, "I need to see an upturn." The nurse replies, Upturn?, Do you mean intern?" "Yeah, I guess so," the young woman mumbles. The nurse then asks,
    " Why do you need to see an intern?" " So he can recommend a good musician," the young woman responds brightly. "Umm, says the nurse," "Do you mean physician?"
    "Yeah, I guess so," the young woman responds. "Okay," says the nurse, "Why do you need a physician?" The young woman ponders for a moment and then says," I need to see an upturn
    so he can recommend a good musician, because I missed my demonstration and I think I'm stagnant!"
    It seems like in this "industry" common sense is not all that common!

  20. #70
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    Re: Humor thread

    password joke.jpg
    ......................
    ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

  21. #71
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    Re: Humor thread

    I finally found a use for that crappy Justin Bieber CD I got given for Xmas last year....

    .

    beiber CD.jpg
    ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

  22. #72
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    Re: Humor thread

    Quote Originally Posted by okosh View Post
    I finally found a use for that crappy Justin Bieber CD I got given for Xmas last year....

    .

    beiber CD.jpg
    For a minute there I thought it was the latest update from Charles Scoville on the TM World Bank.
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  23. #73
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    Re: Humor thread

    How a true blue Aussie goes camping over Easter....

    swag.jpg
    ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

  24. #74
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    Re: Humor thread

    ..........
    blond.jpg
    ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

  25. #75
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    Re: Humor thread

    peace and quiet.jpg
    ..........
    ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

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