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Thread: Humor thread

  1. #101
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    Re: Humor thread

    I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.
    People move out of the way much faster now!
    It seems like in this "industry" common sense is not all that common!

  2. #102
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    Re: Humor thread

    friends.jpg
    ..........
    ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

  3. #103
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    Re: Humor thread

    I've found the perfect woman
    No man could ask for more
    She's deaf and blind and oversexed
    And owns a liquor store!
    It seems like in this "industry" common sense is not all that common!

  4. #104
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    Re: Humor thread

    A chicken farmer went to a local bar ... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
    The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
    "What a coincidence" the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... "I too am celebrating."
    "This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" Says the woman.
    "What a coincidence!" says the farmer as they clinked glasses the man asked, "What are you celebrating?"
    "My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!"
    "What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs."
    'That's great!' says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?"
    "I used a different cock," he replied.
    The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence. So did I."
    ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

  5. #105
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    Re: Humor thread

    A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their cart.

    "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $20 for 24 cans" he replies.

    "Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife.

    They carry on shopping.

    A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $40 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

    "What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

    Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price."

    Heard over the loudspeaker, "Man down in Aisle 5."
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  6. #106
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    Re: Humor thread

    A father asks his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees?

    “I don’t want to know,” the child said bursting into tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me.”

    Confused, the father asked what was wrong? The boy sobbed,

    “When I was six, I got the “There’s no Easter Bunny speech. At seven I got the there’s no Tooth Fairy speech. When I was eight you hit me with the there’s no Santa speech. If you’re going to tell me that grown-ups really don’t get laid, I’ll have nothing left to live for.”
    EagleOne
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  7. #107
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    Re: Humor thread

    Quote Originally Posted by littleroundman View Post
    Scroll down to see the nude Santa




















    the hell you say.JPG



    Quote Originally Posted by littleroundman View Post
    THERE IS NO SANTA
    the hell you say ii.JPG

    Merry XMAS everyone.
    "It's virtually impossible to violate rules ... but it's impossible for a violation to go undetected, certainly not for a considerable period of time." Bernie Madoff
    https://www.facebook.com/pages/Scam-...98399986981403

  8. #108
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    Re: Humor thread

    hohoho.jpgmerry christmas!
    It seems like in this "industry" common sense is not all that common!

  9. #109
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    Re: Humor thread

    Went for a job interview yesterday, "The guy said well so your interested in working with us what's your experience with mentally disturbed people? "I said have been on fb for over 5 years now, He says jobs your so I start next week...
    ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

  10. #110
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    Re: Humor thread

    You know you're drunk when you get home from the pub, put food in the microwave and then enter your PIN number.!!
    ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

  11. #111
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    Re: Humor thread

    I don't have a drinking problem. I drink, get drunk, fall down, no problem!
    It seems like in this "industry" common sense is not all that common!

  12. #112
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    Re: Humor thread

    Bubba & Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when the decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.

    The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.

    About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet brush?"
    "Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."
    ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

  13. #113
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    Re: Humor thread

    A young man watched an elderly couple sit down to lunch at a restaurant.
    He noticed that they had ordered one meal and an extra drink cup.
    As he watched, the old man carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries – one for him, one for her, until each had an even number.
    Then the old man poured half the soft drink into the extra cup and set it in front of his wife. The old man began to eat and his wife sat watching with her hands folded in her lap.
    The young man hesitated, then approached the couple and asked if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they wouldn't have to split theirs.
    The old man said, "Oh no. We've been married for 50 years, and everything has always been, and always will be shared 50-50."
    The young man asked the old woman if she was going to eat.
    "Later," she replied. "It's his turn with the teeth.
    ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

  14. #114
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    Re: Humor thread

    An elderly couple is going to their doctor for a checkup. The man goes in first. "How're you doing?" asks the doctor. "Pretty good," answers the old man. "I'm eating well, and I'm still in control of my bowels and bladder. In fact, when I get up at night to pee, the good Lord turns the light on for me."
    The doctor decides not to comment on that last statement, and goes into the next room to check on the man's wife. "How're you feeling?" he asks. "I'm doing well," answers the old woman. "I still have lots of energy and I'm not feeling any pain." The doctor says, "That's nice. It sounds like you and your husband are both doing well.
    One thing though - your husband said that when he gets up to pee at night, the good Lord turns the light on for him. Do you have any idea what he means?" "Oh No," says the woman, "He's peeing in the refrigerator again.
    ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

  15. #115
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    Re: Humor thread

    There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
    The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
    He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
    After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?"
    He asks her. "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head."..
    ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

  16. #116
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    Re: Humor thread

    The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
    'Good God, woman. Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded. 'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.’ The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'

    Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman. You've no knickers. Why not?' She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.’ Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'

    Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. 'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie. Where tae hell are yer drawers?’ She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money at be able tae afford any.’ The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb..... Tidy yerself up a wee bit.'
    EagleOne
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  17. #117
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    Re: Humor thread

    Jim and his Mother-in-law didn't get along at all. Jim's mother-in-law died, and Jim was at the mortuary to make plans for her disposition. The Undertaker asked, "Which should we do -----Embalm, Cremate her, or merely bury her? Jim answered, "all 3 . Let's not take any chances!!!!!!!"
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  18. #118
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    Re: Humor thread

    Paddy says to Sean "I'm getting circumcised tomorrow." Sean says "I had that done when I was just a few days old." Paddy asks, "Did it hurt?" Sean replied, "I couldn't walk for about a year."
    EagleOne
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  19. #119
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    Re: Humor thread

    A man came down with the Flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife loved him. She was so thrilled to have him around that when a DELIVERY MAN or the MAILMAN ARRIVED, She ran out and YELLED as LOUD as She could, My HUSBAND'S HOME ! MY HUSBAND'S HOME!!
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  20. #120
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    Re: Humor thread

    Wallace walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier called out to him and said, “Your barracks door is open.”

    Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, “Your fly is open.” He zipped up and finished his shopping.

    At the checkout, Wallace intentionally got in the line where the lady was who told him about his “barracks door.” He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, “When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?”

    The lady, who was a bit sharper than the man, thought for a moment and said, “No, no, I didn’t. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old Duffel bags.”
    EagleOne
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  21. #121
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    Re: Humor thread

    Man, that one was first told when Moses was playing quarterback for the Israelites
    The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing

  22. #122
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    Re: Humor thread

    Quote Originally Posted by littleroundman View Post
    Man, that one was first told when Moses was playing quarterback for the Israelites
    Hmm, I thought Moses was the coach and Aaron was the quarterback. The "oldies" are the best! It's why they are the "oldies."
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  23. #123
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    Re: Humor thread

    Ok...One for the boys....

    Is this the perfect remote control??...

    remote.jpg
    ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

  24. #124
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    Re: Humor thread

    diet.jpg
    ..........
    ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

  25. #125
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    Re: Humor thread

    goodwill.jpg
    ..........
    ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

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