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Thread: Humor thread

  1. #126
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    Re: Humor thread

    A blonde friend of mine asked me if I knew what IDK stood for. I said, "I don't know." She said, "Does anybody? You're the 50th person I have asked and none of you knew the answer."
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  2. #127
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    Re: Humor thread

    Can someone from the UK help me out here. Here's my friend's dilemma:

    "I have a Benefits Question:

    Many years ago, I married a widow out of love who had an 18-year-old daughter. After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my step-daughter. My father eventually married her without my authorization.

    As a result, my step-daughter legally became my step-mother and my father my son-in-law. My father's wife (also my step-daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step-daughter's mother. This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father. As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife. Therefore, it appears that I am also my wife's grandchild.

    A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife, and my uncle. My son is also my step-mother's brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather. In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following:

    Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law, and my step-mother's brother fulfill the requirements for receiving childcare benefits in the UK?
    EagleOne
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  3. #128
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    Re: Humor thread

    .........
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  4. #129
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    Re: Humor thread

    pillow.jpg
    ..........
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  5. #130
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    Re: Humor thread

    A wife was standing naked looking at herself in the mirror and said to her husband, "I can't believe it. My arms have sagging muscles, my boobs are dropping, my butt is fat, my wrinkles have wrinkles, is there anything positive about me?"

    The husband replied, "Well, your eyesight is still 20/20."

    The swelling of his eyes should go down in about 4 days so he can see again.
    EagleOne
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  6. #131
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    Re: Humor thread

    A wife was standing naked looking at herself in the mirror and said to her husband, "I can't believe it. My arms have sagging muscles, my boobs are dropping, my butt is fat, my wrinkles have wrinkles, is there anything positive about me?"

    The husband replied, "Well, your eyesight is still 20/20."

    The swelling of his eyes should go down in about 4 days so he can see again.
    EagleOne
    Founder/President Eagle Research Associates
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    http://swindles.org
    Author: "Robbing You With A Keyboard Instead Of A Gun - Cyber Crime How They Do It" available in soft cover and eBook at Amazon.com
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  7. #132
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    Re: Humor thread

    So Ole the lumberjack finally breaks down and buys a chainsaw on the store assurance that he would be able to cut 10 cords of wood a day with it. After 3 days Ole comes back into the sore and complains that the most he can cut is 6 cords, The clerk can't understand what the problem might be so he grabs the saw and pulls on the starter rope,"Vroom" it goes. "What's that noise?" Ole asks...!
    It seems like in this "industry" common sense is not all that common!

  8. #133
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    Re: Humor thread

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  9. #134
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    Re: Humor thread

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  10. #135
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    Re: Humor thread

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  11. #136
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    Re: Humor thread

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  12. #137
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    Re: Humor thread

    tooth.jpg
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  13. #138
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    Re: Humor thread

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  14. #139
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    Re: Humor thread

    1920.jpg
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  15. #140
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    Re: Humor thread

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  16. #141
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    Re: Humor thread

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  17. #142
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    Re: Humor thread

    Meanwhile in America......

    .

    Oval Office Fumigated After Complaints Of Overwhelming Smell Of Bullshit

    oval bs.jpg

    A PARADE of trucks, from several competing fumigation service providers, were seen lining up outside the White House at 7am this morning following reports that the Oval Office may have become infested with noxious bullshit.

    Many concerned citizens working in buildings in the surrounding Washington DC area complained about the overwhelming stench shortly after the office of the President issued a press release yesterday evening confirming FBI Director James Comey had been fired by President Trump.

    “You know, it’s the kind of smell that just lodges itself up in your nose, and gives your gag reflex something to think about,” shared one person who could smell it all the way from his office in the Senate building.

    People from far away as Florida, California and Texas subsequently reported the smell to the relevant authorities shortly after the Attorney General, Jeff Sessions, who had recused himself from being directly involved in a probe into the Trump administration’s alleged ties with Russia, fired the man who was leading the probe.

    In a bid to sanitise and clean up the stench, rival fumigation firms have confirmed they will have to work around the clock and have been candid about the task ahead.

    “We can’t be certain, but that office may never be the same again,” bullshit suction pump operator Guillem Sanchez shared with WWN before screaming “we’re going to need a bigger suction pump” to a nearby colleague.

    Despite the pungent odour emanating from the Oval Office, President Trump tweeted just moments ago confirming that he couldn’t smell anything.
    Oval Office Fumigated After Complaints Of Overwhelming Smell Of Bullshit – Waterford Whispers News
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  18. #143
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    Re: Humor thread

    I am getting really nervous and concerned. I swallowed a large ice cube yesterday and I still haven't passed it.
    EagleOne
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  19. #144
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    Re: Humor thread

    President Trump gets a late night call from Hillary Clinton. She tells him that Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg has died, and she wants to take her place. Trump tells her it is OK with him if it is OK with the funeral home. Hillary smashes her phone with a hammer.
    EagleOne
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  20. #145
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    Re: Humor thread

    I have people all the time telling me that I don't know Jack Shit. That's not true.

    Jack Shit is the only son of Aww Shit who married Oh Shit, owners of Knee Deep in Shit, Inc. Jack Shit married No Shit. The couple had 6 children: Holy Shit, Giva Shit, Fulla Shit, Bull Shit, and the twins Deep Shit and Dip Shit. Deep Shit married Dumb Shit, a college dropout.
    After 15 years, Jack & No Shit divorced. No Shit married Ted Sherlock and became No Shit Sherlock.

    So as you can see when people tell me that I don't know Jack Shit, I can say, "Yes I do!"
    EagleOne
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