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Thread: My last trip to costco

  1. #1
    Doc Bunkum's Avatar
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    My last trip to costco

    found in my inbox...

    MY LAST TRIP TO COSTCO


    Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
    for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a
    woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

    What did she think I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little
    to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the
    Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in
    the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
    intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in
    both arms.

    I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it
    works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one
    or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it
    works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that
    practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

    Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food
    poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's
    ass and a car hit me.

    Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

    Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the
    world to think of crazy things to say.

  2. #2
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    Re: My last trip to costco

    Sounds like your trip to Costco was better than mine to Home Depot:

    I went to the Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a
    massive quantity of my patented "you're definitely going to crap yourself" road kill chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written
    guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.


    Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee...No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanero peppers swimming their way through my
    intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony I refer to as 'thunder and lightning'. Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when,

    I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the guest bedroom.

    Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.

    You know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to the 'Uh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

    The habanero in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt, In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into
    the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

    There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear
    that more of this vile odor might escape me.

    Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an red-apronned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed help.

    I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two
    different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure you will be able to relate.

    I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do
    before gathering his senses and running was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course made me
    feel terrible, but then made me laugh.....BIG mistake!!!!

    Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in the other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

    Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make
    it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

    Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the rest room, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my *** is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said,
    'Sonofabitch', did it smell that bad when you ate it?, then quickly left.

    Once finished, I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you
    might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans
    on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the of the problem..'

    My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and,
    pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

    Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowe's. I can't
    say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.

    Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store..

  3. #3
    A Life Aloft is offline fled troglodyte invasion
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    Re: My last trip to costco

    These two stories are the funniest things I have read in a long time. I have been going through a very stressful time lately for several reasons and I really needed a laugh. Need more humor in my life right about now. Made my day.

  4. #4
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    Re: My last trip to costco

    Quote Originally Posted by A Life Aloft View Post
    I have been going through a very stressful time lately for several reasons and I really needed a laugh.
    Sorry to hear about that, ALA. Here's another one I received in my inbox that struck me as quite funny. Enjoy!

    NAG, NAG, NAG



    An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a
    stay of execution.
    His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was
    feeling worn out and depressed.

    As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
    about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this?

    Where have you been?
    Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

    Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he
    poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in
    the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged
    himself up the stairs.

    While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was
    told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of
    execution after all.
    Wright would not be hanged tonight.

    Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to
    go up stairs and give him the good news.

    As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
    husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

    'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

    He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN,

    DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!


    Quote Originally Posted by A Life Aloft View Post
    Need more humor in my life right about now.
    Go over to scam and watch Chrispy & Heiney perform cyber fellatio on each other.

  5. #5
    littleroundman is offline Administrator
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    Re: My last trip to costco

    Now here is one that ought to make you gasp.....or at the very least, wonder, What the heck?????.


    For all of you who remember being there....



    And for those of you who are too young and
    weren't there.But sometimes wish you had been...


    Remember the words from the song...





    "Where have all the flowers gone?
    ...
    long time passing.... "





    Have you ever wondered what happened?





    To all those really cute and crazy, good looking,
    barefoot, young hippie chicks

    Who didn't wear bra's, did drugs, smoked weed,

    got tattooed.





    And shagged every guy they met

    during that great "Age of Aquarius"

    back in the 60's?





    Well, wonder no more!



















    Kinda gets you tingly all over, doesn't it?
    The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing

  6. #6
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    Re: My last trip to costco

    OFFS!!!

  7. #7
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    Re: My last trip to costco

    Quote Originally Posted by Doc Bunkum View Post
    OFFS!!!
    ATTENTION! ATTENTION! Screen cleanup, Aisle 9! Screen cleanup, Aisle 9! Bring a mop...!!!

  8. #8
    A Life Aloft is offline fled troglodyte invasion
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    Re: My last trip to costco

    I had a very difficult time getting past photo number 4. lol Then I finally got to the last photo. YIKES!!! My eyes! My eyes!

    Ahhhh....the sixties are gone, but not all the love children....



    Yeah Baby!



  9. #9
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    Re: My last trip to costco

    Wow, does that bring back memories. At the time that "Hair" was making the rounds, I was a Flight Instructor at Vincennes University. I checked out a plane and flew myself, my then future wife and two friends to see the presentation at Bloomington.

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    Re: My last trip to costco

    I've always really liked the music from the 60's and 70's. The last two weeks I've been listening to a lot of 60's music and just enjoying the hell out of it and thinking back to what was going on, how young I was and all that reminiscing/retrospective/philosophical stuff that we tend do from time to time and realizing how much some things have changed and yet how many things have not. I remember how kinda shocking Hair and Jesus Christ Superstar seemed at the time. Funny isn't it? You just watch your innocence over the centuries melt away.


    Last edited by A Life Aloft; 03-19-2011 at 07:33 PM.

  11. #11
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    Re: My last trip to costco

    Oh hell...let's just go all the way!!!


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