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Thread: How to roast a scratchy cat!

  1. #1
    scratchycat's Avatar
    scratchycat is offline Elite Scambuster
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    How to roast a scratchy cat!

    My apologies if this does not fit here but it is just so hilarious, I have to share with you.

    First you have to catch the cat. This can be a challenge because they are swift on feet when being chased.
    Lassoing might be the way to go - okay now you got the buggy, hope you have some good gloves, arm and face protectors!!

    Okay, good, caught the sucker. Quick toss him on the fire (the one you started before the chase!)!!
    What!!! Scratchy Cat just turned flips in the air and only got a singeing and took off flying!!

    Shall we try this again? Of course, we will wear him out sooner or later and then we can put him in a sack and throw that on the fire. Finally we did it!!!

    Throw sack with kitty on the fire. Sack catches on fire, Scratchy Cat leaps up in the air, makes a boomerang move and lands on your face. As you are being clawed half to death with blood running down, you manage to wrench him from your face only to send him flying into another face and another and another.

    Disengaging from those distasteful faces, he races around a corner and hides in a safe place, Scratchy Cat starts cleaning all the blood off, "Hmmm, tastes bad." A loving voice calls "Kitty, Kitty! What have you been up to Scratchy? Come on, let's get cleaned up and have a nice bowl of warm, soothing milk. Snuggle by the fire and take a nap."

    Scratchy does just that and dreams of chasing monsters and winning, there is a smile on his face.

    Roasting cats is not a good idea, try pigs instead. ...or fish...


  2. #2
    littleroundman is offline Administrator
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    Re: How to roast a scratchy cat!

    I think I read a book once about how to do that

    The name of the author was Claude Balls, if I recall correctly.
    The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing

  3. #3
    laidback's Avatar
    laidback is offline Senior Troll
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    Re: How to roast a scratchy cat!

    That is almost as good as "How to Give a Pill to a Cat":
    Sit on sofa. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your elbow as though you were going to give a bottle to a baby. Talk softly to it.


    With right hand, position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. (be patient) As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. Drop pill into mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.


    Pick the pill up off the floor and go get the cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. Sit on floor in kitchen, wrap arm around cat as before, drop pill in mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.


    Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Scoot across floor to pick up pill, and go find the cat. Bring it back into the kitchen. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. Drop pill into mouth.


    Pry claws from back legs out of your arm. Go get the cat, pick up half-dissolved pill from floor and drop it into garbage can.


    Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of closet. Call spouse from backyard. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.


    Retrieve cat from curtain rod, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.


    Get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.


    Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.


    Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.


    Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.


    Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take another pill from foil wrap.


    Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour one cup of water down throat to wash pill down.


    Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table.


    Get last pill from bottle. Go into bathroom and get a fluffy towel. Stay in the bathroom with the cat, and close the door.

    Sit on bathroom floor, wrap towel around kitty, leaving only his head exposed. Cradle kitty in the crook of your arm, and pick up pill off of counter.


    Retrieve cat from top of shower door (you didn't know that cats can jump 5 feet straight up in the air, did you?), and wrap towel around it a little tighter, making sure its paws can't come out this time. With fingers at either side of its jaw, pry it open and pop pill into mouth. Quickly close mouth (his, not yours).


    Sit on floor with cat in your lap, stroking it under the chin and talking gently to it for at least a half hour, while the pill dissolves.


    Unwrap towel, open bathroom door. Wash off scratches in warm soapy water, comb your hair, and go find something to occupy your time for 7-1/2 hours.


    Arrange for SPCA to get cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
    It seems like in this "industry" common sense is not all that common!

  4. #4
    scratchycat's Avatar
    scratchycat is offline Elite Scambuster
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    Re: How to roast a scratchy cat!

    Quote Originally Posted by littleroundman View Post
    I think I read a book once about how to do that

    The name of the author was Claude Balls, if I recall correctly.
    You know us cats just love to play with rats but it is even better when we bite their heads off, ask any cat!!

  5. #5
    scratchycat's Avatar
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    Re: How to roast a scratchy cat!

    Retrieve cat from top of shower door (you didn't know that cats can jump 5 feet straight up in the air, did you?), and wrap towel around it a little tighter, making sure its paws can't come out this time. With fingers at either side of its jaw, pry it open and pop pill into mouth. Quickly close mouth (his, not yours).
    Thanks laidback, I have always liked that one and another good laugh today is needed. Believe me it is true. I have a black cat that does not like taking baths!!!

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